If I let You Fly
by Calypso Diangelos
Summary: Miss. Parker must decide if granting Jarod his freedom is worth sacrificing her own. Set at end of Island of the Haunted, alternate ending. MPJR. Jarods POV added
1. What If

If I Let You Fly  
  
By: Calypso  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own pretender blah blah blah.  
  
Summary: Miss. Parker must decide if Jarod's freedom is worth her own. Set at end of Island of the Haunted, alternate ending. MPJR. (Edited)  
  
Authors note: Well, this is actually inspired by a Stargate SG-1 music video set to Kate Winslet's 'What If' It's really a very beautiful song that fits the relationship between Jarod and Ms. Parker quiet well. This is a stream of thoughts as Ms. Parker and Jarod sit in the car at the end of the movie. I have to remark that this is nothing like my usual style of writing so call it an experiment if you will. Please review?  
  
I love him.  
  
When and how I found out I don't really care to know.  
  
I don't care what the rest of the world thinks; somehow I don't even care if he loves me.  
  
But then why does it hurt so much?  
  
Why do I hurt if I claim not to care? Why do I feel this soul shattering pain, this belief that I've somehow betrayed him?  
  
He sits there quietly across the way. Pleading with me for his life. Begging me for his freedom.  
  
I suddenly want to offer him that much. After everything that's been taken from him perhaps I won't take his freedom from him.  
  
Perhaps. but somehow I don't think I can.  
  
I've changed more than I can say in these past five years, there were always so many choices, so many paths. And whichever one I choose, always seemed to be wrong.  
  
God, if I had only walked away all those years ago.  
  
If only he'd escaped sooner.  
  
If only he'd come back for me.  
  
Yet I doubt it would've made a difference. I doubt I would've let him stand with me.  
  
I've always stood alone. In my heart; there was never a moment where I wasn't alone.  
  
But there was. Once. When she was alive.  
  
God, what would mother think of me now?  
  
She would say I've lost my way. That I ought to take a different path.  
  
But can I take the chance of changing it all. Could I?  
  
I would've once.  
  
I think so often of what things might have been like, when I look at Sydney, I sometimes imagine how different things might've been if he were my father. God what I doing? How can I even think like this?  
  
Damn these tears. I hate it when I cry.  
  
No, that's not rue, Daddy hates it when I cry. Somehow, he seems unwilling to remember that I'm a woman like any other.  
  
A human being like any other.  
  
Suddenly I feel Jarod's hands on mine. His eyes offering comfort where before they were pleading for freedom.  
  
The freedom to fly.  
  
If he goes, I know I'll never see him again.  
  
If he goes, I know he won't come back.  
  
After all, why would an angel come to watch the flames of Hell?  
  
Why would any bird want to stay within a confined withering garden when they could soar through the clear blue sky?  
  
I love him.  
  
I knew he was there that day he sent flowers to my mother's grave.  
  
I knew that he watched me as I held the card he left closely.  
  
I love him, and so I have no choice but to let him fly.  
  
No choice but to let him out of a cage so that I might step into it.  
  
"Go." I uncuff his wrists, letting my tears fall onto his hands.  
  
He stares.  
  
"I said go." I won't look him  
  
I can't.  
  
Damnit. Why do I always betray myself. Why do I have to cry?  
  
"Go Jarod, and don't ever turn back."  
  
So it seems I've set him free.  
  
So now as I burn in the fires of the hell,  
  
I know he can fly free.  
  
And I know that I love him.  
  
~Fini~ 


	2. Angels Fall

AN - I wasn't going to write another chapter of this, but hey, since everyone asked (and I just happened to watch another SG1 music video) here's the same story from Jarods POV. 

Angel's Fall

Her Eyes, 

Do they always widen like that?

Does she think I don't notice?

Or worse that I don't care?

I love her.

I have since we were children.

Sydney was the first to guess,

Alex was the second.

Does she know? 

Does she care?

She's beautiful - not just her looks.

She has the manor of a fallen angel.

A Soul that's too world-weary and a heart that's too heavy.

Is she crying? Oh God -she is.

I hate it when she cries, not because she's showing emotion.

Not because it makes her seem weak.

I hate it when she cries because I can't hold her close to me.

Can't offer her the comfort that I want so badly to give her.

When I was young, when I didn't know who I was I found my identity in her.

When I couldn't live life, I contented myself with the knowledge that she did. 

I always wanted to see her fly free of the Centre.

I've always wanted to see her soar to heaven the way she was meant to.

The way her mother always wanted her to.

I wonder if she knows how often I've watched her.

How many times I risked capture just so I could watch her sleep.

Just so I could stand at a distance wishing I could wipe away her tears, yet always knowing that I couldn't.

I wanted to hold her when he dearest Daddy wouldn't.

To give her the comfort she always searched for in the wrong places.

I wonder if she knows why she never found it.

Is love always this difficult? This painful?

I could _take_ my freedom.

Does she even realize how easily I could escape right now?

Does she know that her tears are the only tings holding me here just now?

I want to take her hands in mine; for once I want to touch her without her pulling back.

To be able to communicate and connect with her the way we did as children.

Before, whenever I found hope, it was in her smile.

Whenever I felt faith, it was in Catharine Parker and her daughter. 

I never even trusted Sydney that much. 

She's made me hurt until I could feel anything but the pain.

Made me love so that I couldn't see anything but her.

She's started crying again. 

So I'll offer the same Comfort Sydney used to offer me. 

Lord, if there's a God out there, please don't let her pull away from me.

I can feel her tears fall onto my hand, and for once she doesn't push me away.

For once she lets me see the Angel that's fallen.

Her eyes are so wide. 

So open, and now I know.

I love her.

But I'm not the only one in love.

I know that she loves me too. 

"Go." She uncuffs my wrists.

She wants me to go?

She want's to leave her here?

Oh… she thinks I won't come back.

She thinks that if I leave, it'll be good bye.

Is that why she's chased me all these years?

Because she's afraid of saying goodbye?

"I said go." 

Why won't she look at me?

Why can't she just let me see those clear beautiful of her eyes of hers?

Why won't she give me the chance to tell her that I'll come back?

"Go Jarod, and don't ever turn back."

She's crying again, but I know that this time, her tears are not for me to see.

I'll go.

I'll take the freedom she offers me.

And I'll hold close the love I now know she feels.

But I _will_ turn back.

Not for the Centere,

Not for my past here.

I'll turn back,

For her love,

For her soul.

I'll turn back, but only for my Angel.

After all,

Even Angels Fall.


End file.
